VALENTINE’S DAY MOVIES TO WATCH (ALONE)
It might seem strange to open this list imploring you to watch, possibly, the most romantic movie of all time. However, it is a crucial step towards your successful single Valentine’s Day and essential for your personal branding. Show the world how unaffected you are by your single status by live-tweeting your viewing experience with tweets such as ‘Wow, Casablanca is a really great film’, ‘Nothing makes me happier than seeing two people in love’, ‘@ex-partner – I’m having a really fun evening watching the romantic film,Casablanca’. Once you have shown the world what an amazing, independent singleton you are, you can watch the rest of the list, (in private).
Fatal Attraction (1987)
If watching Casablanca, was a more distressing experience than your Twitter feed might suggest then turn your attention to Fatal Attraction. Michael Douglas plays a lonely married man who has a passionate affair, only for his mistress (Glenn Close) to develop an unhealthy obsession with him. She proceeds to out the affair and boil his children’s pet bunny before his wife violently murders her. The great thing about this film is that you can really pick any of the main characters and be grateful you are not them, be it: Michael Douglas, Glenn Close, Michael’s wife or the rabbit. Allow a warm glow to come over you as you remember that you are not on the inevitable relationship treadmill of – falling in love, having an affair, experiencing a traumatic pet-related incident and being implicated in a murder case.
Citizen Kane (1941)
Being single also provides a great opportunity to become the cultured adult you always dreamed of being. Take time to skim-read War and Peace, create a Facebook album about the time you went to the opera, and then watch Citizen Kane. Okay, I’m not going to lie, I haven’t actually seen Citizen Kane, but apparently it’s incredibly culturally important. Just think of all the cultural, worldly things you’ll be able to discuss when you go to your next dinner party (alone, of course).
Now it’s time to watch a film that tackles the age of technological singularity, the time when artificial intelligence is equal to, or greater than, human intelligence. The important implications this has for your life is that soon you will be able to manipulate a robot to fall in love with you. The robot won’t care if you never got around to properly reading War and Peace or if your most cherished CD is Take That’s Greatest Hits Volume I. Take peace from the fact that if things haven’t worked out by next Valentine’s Day, your hairdryer will probably have evolved the capacity to comfort you.
Trapped in the Closet (2005-2012)
It’s important to watch this 33-part musical drama, written and produced by R Kelly, alone, lest your face betrays that you are enjoying it too much. The series sees R Kelly awakening from a one-night stand which sets off a chain of events, gradually revealing a greater web of lies, sex and deceit. If you can push past the fact that the melody and key NEVER CHANGES, you will at least be treated to endless reasons why it was a good thing you didn’t have that one-night stand tonight.